Boyfriend?

I swore when I started this blog that I was going to be better at actually posting, epic fail on my part. I feel like I haven't had anything to say. I started this blog with the intention of telling bad date horror stories, I never stopped to consider what would happen if I actually had good dates. That's the problem I'm finding myself in now, I've gone from bad dates to pretty decent relationship.

I mentioned this guy in the last entry, he's the one who wasn't deserving of a bad date blog, and now a few months later, he still isn't. I'm definitely thankful for that. I like the fact that I've found someone I enjoy being with who doesn't treat me badly or tell me about his rectal bleeding.

I do have to admit though that it feels kind of odd to be the girl who can refer to someone as her boyfriend. I spent so many years being the girl that had the bad dates and who was destined to be single. In fact one of my favorite lines was "and that is why I'm single." There was something about single that was fun, as awful as I always said it was there was something to be said about there always being the possibility of something.

I had fun with the online profiles, the email conversations with complete strangers, and then of course the first dates. There's a part of me that misses that. I sort of miss the possibility of a horrible date that results in a fabulous story to tell later. Of course there was the possibility of having the fabulous date, but that's what I have now.

I feel slightly ridiculous saying things like that, but it's true. I can't think of a time when I've been with my boyfriend (and I have to admit I still cringe a little every time I say that word) that I've had a bad time. I always enjoy his company and find myself more and more attached to him.

The fact that I am becoming more attached could explain why I miss the bad first dates. Actually being in a relationship is so much scarier than a first date. The more time I spend with this guy the more involved I become and the more I have to lose if something goes wrong.

There's something safe about being single.

But there's also something incredibly lonely about it. It may not be hard to get those first dates, or even the second, but there's something comforting about knowing there doesn't have to be a mad search for a date when a wedding invitation arrives, and it's nice to know that I pretty much have a standing date for Saturday night.

So I suppose what this all boils down to is that I'm ditching the bad first dates and the emotionally safe single life for a relationship. I've gotten used to the single life and all that involved and I feel like I'm venturing into uncharted waters.

a date with the army boy

I've been slacking in my blogging lately. That's not to say that there hasn't been enough interesting occurences to fill up pages and pages on internet space. It just means that I haven't come up with an interesting way to tell the story. But I'll try.

I went on a date about a month ago, and it seemed like it was going fairly well. It was kind of an odd date though considering we had just decided to meet up at Wiley's and my friends were all there. But we had a chance to talk and we were getting along decently enough, and then he asked the question I hate most froms guys I've just met.

"So what do you think about me?"

I should have known at that point that this was not going to end well. My response was probably not what he was looking for because I believe my reply went something like this:

"Did you seriously just ask me that? Because the last time I checked I was not here to stroke your ego."

Of course at this point the guy has to backtrack and try to redeem himself. I allowed him a free pass at that time mainly because he was buying all my drinks. I also relented and told him that I didn't think he was awful.

We spend the rest of the night hanging out, and we didn't have much meaningful conversation although we did manage to get into a fight about non-violent resistance. I'm for it and he's in the army.

**Sidenote** For this date I overlooked one of my dealbreaksrs, I went out with a guy who is career army. I have been told over and over that I'm too picky and that I shouldn't put so many restrictions on guys that I'll go out with because I may end up missing out on someone great. Just for the record there are reasons that I have these dealbreaker.**

We ended up hanging out some after the bar closed and admittedly I was having a good time. But then he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. What? We've hung out for a total of like 4 hours. I told him that I would hang out with him again but I wasn't ready to take that step.

Of course this starts a whole conversation about how I'm just scared and I need to realize that he's not the other guys I've dated. I just need to trust him, and just go with things. Right so I'm the one who has something wrong with them because I don't want to commit to a guy that I just met. Awesome.

After I left he sent me a text telling me that we should just get married.

We did hang out a few times after that and it was enjoyable enough. The only problem was all he ever wanted to talk about was how I was scared and wouldn't just let myself fall for him.

Seriously?

Now I do have to admit that at this point I did kind of like the guy, I wasn't ready to get married but he seemed nice enough and I had a decent time hanging out with him. Then we went out to dinner and a movie.

Dinner and a movie is pretty standard and it shouldn't be hard for a guy to sail through something like that with flying colors right?

We went to the Olive Gardern, he thought that was a good choice because he had a gift certificate there. Ok so you're not really supposed to tell your date that but that wasn't even the worst part. We made it through dinner, which consisted mainly of him lecturing me about my food choices (he apparently loves to cook and claims to be pretty good at it) and telling me that I need to eat different foods.

Then the bill came. He had already told me that he was going to buy me dinner so that wasn't an issue, but he did go through the bill line by line, and told me how expensive my dinner was, and how expensive soda was.

Classy.

It was all downhill from there.

The next day I told him I was going out with some of my friends and told him if he wanted to come he could but he decided to stay home. Then he procedded to text and ask me if I was still going to go and tell me that he didn't know how I could afford to go out so much.

Seriously?

After that I knew there was no way anything was going to work out between us. He went from desperately wanting to be my boyfriend to feeling the need to criticize everything I was doing. He would text and want to know where I was, who I was with, the next day he would want to know when I got home the night before. Last time I checked it was none of his business.

He decided he didn't like me as much as he thought he did.

Where do these guys come from? I think the problem was that I was supposed to fall madly in love with him that first night and not want to do anything except be with him. I was supposed to change to be just what he was looking for. He said that he's looking for a long-term relationship, and that might be true, but I don't think he's looking for a girl with a mind of her own. I think he's looking for a barbie doll.

But to end on a high note, I have met a new guy that is not deserving of a bad date blog.

But just give it time.

drummer boys and rectal bleeding

I haven't posted a dating story for awhile so I thought maybe it was time.

A couple of years ago, I went out with this guy a few times. I should have known after the first time we went out that it wasn't a good idea. We met at Granite City for a drink, well I had a drink and he had a few too many drinks. We talked for a while and it wasn't bad conversation, but it wasn't fantastic either. After I left he sent me a text telling me that he had a great time with me and really wanted to see me again. He was someone I had met online and the emails we had exchanged were entertaining and he had seemed like a fun guy. Maybe that first night was just an off night for him, so I figured a second date wouldn't be the worst idea.

We went out a couple of times before he started to get weird.

He started to tell me how much he liked me, he wanted me to go and see his band (he was a drummer) but he also told me that he just couldn't figure me out. He said that he was trying to put me into a box but he couldn't figure out what box I would fit in.

We went to a movie one night, he came to pick me up and as we were walking into the theatre he told me that he had gone to visit his family the previous weekend and while he was there had gone to the doctor. I asked him why he had gone to the doctor, being naive and all I was thinking that he had gone to the doctor for a sinus infection or something normal like that.

No such luck.

He began to tell me about the problem that he had been having with rectal bleeding.

Seriously.

A 26 (or 27, I don't remember) year old guy that I am about to go to the movies with is telling me about his problems with rectal bleeding. I began to look for the nearest exit and then remembered he had driven to the theatre. I had nowhere to go. So I just kind of tried to act like it was no big deal.

Because of course guys tell me about their rectal bleeding problems all the time.

He told me that the doctor didn't think it was anything serious but had scheduled a colonoscopy for him anyway. The only problem with that was that he was going to need someone to drive him. My response: "oh, well I'm sure you'll find someone easily enough." The way he said it made me feel like he was hoping that I would offer.

No.

Then he told me how awesome it was that I hadn't run the other way when he started talking about his problem. If there had been somewhere to run I would have.

Needless to say, him talking about his problems with rectal bleeding was not a turn-on for me. In fact I think it would qualify as a deal breaker.

After this fantastic date I didn't see him again. I did that wonderful thing I do where I just quit returning phone calls. I had a few calls and texts from him, but I just couldn't bring myself to respond.

And just in case you were concerned he did let me know that the colonoscopy went fine.

to settle or not to settle

Blueberry Terry

"Sweet Strawberry Sherry, will you ever marry?"
Asked Blueberry Terry, but she shook her head.
"I find marriage scary, dear Blueberry Terry,
Ask Razberry Mary to marry instead."

"I'll not marry Terry," said Razberry Mary, "for Blueberry Terry
resides on the the prairie: I won't leave my dairy to follow him
west."
"Then you I can't marry," said Blueberry Terry- "I won't
leave the prairie to work for a dairy- dear Strawberry Sherry,
Please marry me now.

"No, Terry, like Mary, I do not like prairie
I live on a ferry and never would marry
A man so content to care for his cows."

"Very well Sherry,
Very well Mary.
I'll leave the prairie,
Will one of you marry
Me now?"

"I don't find you handsome," said Razberry Mary.

"I don't find you wealthy," said Strawberry Sherry.

"And since you're not handsome and do not have wealth,
We think that we'll soon marry somebody else."
So Blueberry Terry returned to the prairie and
Rarely saw Mary and Sherry, but then
Mary and Sherry at their ferry and dairy never
Were asked if they'd marry again.

At the dairy and ferry they grew old and thin.
They were nearly ninety when they hobbled in.
"Dear Blueberry Terry," said Strawberry Sherry, "I've
Changed my mind Terry, I'll marry you now."
"Yes Terry, dear Terry," said Razberry Mary, "I'll
Marry you Terry, I'll marry and how!"

"I don't find you pretty, I don't find you healthy
And since you are ugly and have no real wealth
I think I'll return to my cows and my prarie
And there I may marry somebody else."

"I don't know who I'll marry now,
I'm living alone surrounded by cows."

In a small cemetery they buried old Mary and
Poor lonely Sherry, whose tombstones there read:
"Here Strawberry Sherry and Razberry Mary
were buried, unmarried - both single and dead."
Old Blueberry Terry - their man from the prairie-
Felt so alone as his final years sped
He married his Guernsey far out in the prairie
Delighted he'd finally something to wed.

I found this in a an old book that I have of children's poems. It seemed fitting for what I've been thinking about lately.

I think this poem could be about a couple of things. Mainly the idea that the grass is always greener on the other side. Sherry and Mary were convinced that they would find someone more handsome, and more wealthy so they refused to marry Terry. They died alone, even though at 90 they were finally willing to setlle for Terry. But then Terry ended up marrying his cow. I'm not really sure what that says about him.

So to settle or not to settle? I read an essay from The Atlantic called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" (thanks to a link emailed to me from a friend) and I'm not sure what I think about the whole issue. I will say this much, I believe that the woman who wrote the essay (which has turned book) has a skewed perception of being single and deciding to settle. She chose to have a child via donor sperm and regardless of what people may say, a child definetely changes things in the dating world.

She advocates that it's ok to settle and that all women who reach 30 and are unmarried begine to feel uneasy. She also says:
"they, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn't about cosmic connection- it's about how having a teammate, even if he's not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

She also believes that settling is a woman's game.

As I said the question is to settle or not to settle? I know that I have a long list of "red flags" or rather the more trendy term "deal breakers", but at what point do I start to whittle away at that list? Is there a point where it's ok to settle for the engineer who wears black jeans and collect pez dispensers?

I would like to think that my notions of a storybook fantasy haven't completely vanished, but it's beginning to look a bit grim. Sherry and Mary weren't willing to settle for Terry until they were 90, do I wait that long? Or at 27 is it ok to settle?

I went to see "Up in the Air" the other day and there's a scene in the movie where the young girl has just been dumped by her boyfriend and she has a conversation with Clooney's character and his girlfriend about what she wants in a boyfriend. She begins to list off all the things she wants in a mate ending with "and a nice smile". The older woman then starts to describe what she wants which basically entails kind and a nice smile. The younger girl responds by saying "that's so...sad."

When does it go from being sad to being ok? Should I begin to whittle away at my list now because people have begun to give me all of those sympathetic looks and tell me that I just haven't met the right person and that it'll happen for me eventually. Or say (and this is my favorite) that it's ok that I haven't met soemone because some people are just meant to be single.

I don't have a good answer.

I will say this though, I don't think I'm ready to settle. Everytime I've "settled" (I say it with quotations because I don't consider going out with someone once or twice as completely settling) I've been severely dissapointed. I realize why it is that certain things are on my deal breaker list.

I'm going to hold onto the hope that there is someone out there who isn't an engineer, doesn't wear black jeans, and hates pez dispensers.

Ok maybe he doesn't have to hate them but at least doesn't collect them.

A long time ago I wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I died. I wish I could find it. It would be nice to know what (if anything) on that list I have accomplished. But since I can't find that list I'm going to start a new one and hopefully one day I'll be able to say that I have accomplished all of these things.

1. Go skydiving
2. Live in another country for at least 6 months
3. Learn to speak another language fluently
4. Travel to Italy
5. Read the complete works of Charles Dickens
6. Take a trip just to see all the roadside attractions (i.e. world's largest ball
of twine)
7. Have a house that has a library with floor to ceiling bookcases, leather chairs,
and a fireplace
8. Go to Scotland and try to find Nessie
9. Spend Mardi Gras in New Orleans
10. Own a Savannah cat and train it to walk on a leash
11. See George Strait in concert
12. See Bob Dylan again
13. Attend a lavish New Year's Eve party
14. Have a job doing something that matters
15. Write a book
16. Read the classics
17. Travel to Russia
18. Attend a show at the Moulin Rouge in Paris
19. Take ballroom dancing lessons
20. Attend at least one event at the Olympics (ideally figure skating)

I suppose I could refer to this as my bucket list. Although calling it a bucket list makes me feel like I'm much older than I actually am.

The Beast

My sophomore year of college I had a suitemate who was a bit odd. Part of me wanted to feel sorry for her, but at the same time she was so mean. We lived together for an entire semester and I don't think she said more than about 4 words to me. Most of that was her asking me for towels when she clogged our toilet. She was a fun one to live with. I generally referred to her as "The Beast". Just to help you paint a visual: she was overweight, had acne, long dark brown hair that generally looked like it hadn't been combed in a month, and always wore plaid shirts, jeans, and work boots. If you looked in her closet it looked like the guy from that show "Home Improvement" lived there. Not Tim the tool man, but the other guy.

One day "The Beast" showed up with flowers and a card from her boyfriend. She brought them in the front door of the dorm and showed them to all the girls on our floor. Of course being the typical OBU girls everyone was ooohing and aaahing over the flowers and how sweet the guy must be. This happened a couple of other times, but the funny thing was we never saw this mysterious boyfriend, and he supposedly lived there in town. One day I was in her room, and looked at the card that she had on her dresser and the message and signature was in her handwriting. Then being the horrible person that I am I looked in her desk drawer and she had a whole collection of cards, just like the ones she had been getting from her boyfriend. The funny thing is they were blank.

At the time we made fun of her and talked about how pathetic it was that she would invent a boyfriend for herself. We just couldn't figure out why someone would be that desperate.

However, as I get older I can understand that feeling of desperation. Now I'm not saying that I would invent a boyfriend and send myself flowers, but I think I understand why someone would.

When someone sends you flowers it's a way to show the world that you are loveable. It didn't matter to her whether or not she was actually loved, but that people thought she was. I think people treat those they believe are loved differently. Because if someone is loved, there must be something of value about them.

Awhile ago I read an article (or maybe it was in a book, I don't remember exactly) about engagement rings and how they were a symbol to the world that the person wearing them was loved. That ring was what told the world they were worth something to someone. I wish I could remember more about the article, all I really remember is thinking there was some truth to that. I don't believe that my worth as a person is dependant on whether or not I wear a ring on my left hand but I do think there are those who believe that.

Whenever I see someone I haven't seen for awhile, friends or family, one of the first questions they ask is "so are you dating anyone?" They'll ask about other things, but not until after they get that out of the way. When I answer that I'm not I get a sympathetic look and they usually say something like "oh well you'll meet the right guy eventually." Although, recently I've started hearing things like "well you know some people are just meant to be single." I believe that these are the people who think that nothing about me maatters until I find that guy who thinks I'm loveable.

Perhaps 'The Beast' was right in making up a boyfriend that loved her. If I did that maybe I could avoid all the awful "so are you dating anyone" conversations.

what came first?

I talk a lot about how awful the guys in my life have been, and I feel like I should take this opportunity to confess that I've been guilty of some awful things as well. I don't think I've ever been as awful as some of the guys in my life, but I haven't always been nice. I have been guilty of ending a relationship by avoidance.

A few years ago I was kind of seeing this guy who was way more interested in me than I was in him. Essentially, I was bored and he was around. Sounds horrible doesn't it? I went on vacation for about a week, while I was gone he called and left me a weird voicemail and because of that I decided I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He called a few times wondering if I ever had come back to town, and even asked if I had run off to Vegas and gotten married. I ran into him a few months later and he told me that he had deleted my number when I never called him back, but I could still call him if I wanted to.

But this isn't supposed to be a confessional. I'm not going to go into detail about all the awful things I've done, but rather question why it is I've done these things.

I'm reminded of a quote from "High Fidelity"...

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Obviously I'm not referring to music, but when I was thinking about this subject this is the quote that came to mind. Are people cruel to me because I was cruel and it's karma or am I cruel because that's what has been done to me?

I am reminded of a day back when I was 15 maybe 16 at summer camp. I was talking to the guy who had broken my heart earlier that year about his new girlfriend. Of course we had decided to be friends and since I was determined to make that happen I suffered through these conversations. He was talking about how great she was and said "I've never felt this way about anyone before...not even you." At this point I am reminded of another "High Fidelity" quote...

It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one.

It was at that point that I think I realized that this whole dating thing could be cruel. It wouldn't be for a few more years that I would experience how cruel it could be. It also wasn't until a few years later that I started to feel the need to be cruel as well.

I actually think I can pinpoint the moment that I decided I could play this game the way most of the guys I met played it. It was my 19th birthday and I had just had my heart broken (by the same guy I mentioned earlier actually) and I spent the evening crying on my front steps.

Since then I know that I've been cruel at times. I'm beginning to notice a pattern, I'll date a guy that I actually like, he'll decide he no longer likes me, I feel bad about myself so I'll find someone who will boost my ego. I'll go out with them for a little while and more often than not these are the guys that really like me. The ones that I am not really that intereseted in. I usually get bored and then do something kind of mean. Now granted that something mean usually doesn't mean that I lie to them for 6 months, or sleep with their friends, it usually just means that I just quit returning phone calls.

It's probably a cycle I need to break. It's like I take out my anger/hurt from the guy I liked on the next guy.

I think for now I will conclude that I am cruel because of those that have been cruel to me.

That's healthy right?

karaoke superstar

I love karaoke.

I'm not sure why. I'm not the worst singer in the world, but I'm certainly not going to win American Idol anytime soon. I suppose I like the fact that it gives me a chance to feel like a superstar for a couple of minutes. Of course my friends and I do the obligatory group songs, where you have a group of girls who are all off key trying to sing a song that they know the chorus to but not the verses. I am guilty of being a part of that group. We're getting better though. We have adopted Journey 'Don't Stop Believin' as our song, and I think everyone knows every word to that song.

Last Saturday night I went to a small town bar to sing karaoke. Just for the record, small town bars are the best place to sing karaoke. There are less people, and they've usually had more to drink so they think you sound better than you actually do. I also haven't run into many karaoke whores at this particular bar.

I define karaoke whore as the girl (or guy I suppose) who takes karaoke way too seriously. They are the one who wants to sing every song, gets pissed if someone else sings 'their' song and is just waiting for someone to discover them. I actually knew a girl who carried her song cards around with her in a ziploc baggie. She would also get pissed everytime she didn't win a karaoke contest. She never won. Not even once.

So Saturday night I sang some Patsy Cline, Nancy Sinatra, Janis Joplin, and of course we did Journey. None of these did I do particularly well, but it was fun.

I also managed to meet a few interesting people over the course of the evening. There was a hitchhiker from Washington (maybe? I don't remember) he said he didn't have to work for a few months so he thought he would just go see the states. The first thing he said when he walked up was "this is one of the few places I've been where you could go make snow angels in the middle of the street and no one would care". Of course at that point I suggested we go make snow angels in the street but was shot down because it could cause frostbite on the ass.

After his snow angels comment he asked how we ended up in this small town bar, because according to him everyone who is in a bar like that has a story. Our story pales in comparison to his. I asked him what he was doing and he said that he was hitchhiking and I asked him why. He said that he just wanted to see the states because he hadn't seen much of them, his exact words were "yeah I just wanted to see the states I had never been to, have you ever been to Peru?" He then ran off to sing the worst version of "Poker Face" I have ever heard.

Did I mention that he had a lazy eye? There seems to be an epidemic of those lately.

The night was pretty bizarre. I ended up staying in this small town, waking up in the middle of nowhere next to some cows. I also met a guy that looks like a hobbit, and another one who was wearing a sweater vest.

The sweater vest was a little creepy. He called and texted me a million times. The last one said "when can I see you again, I'm like a kid in a candy store."

Really? How do I manage to get myself into these situations?

I have a freak magnet.

deal breakers...

On "The Tyra Show" and even on "30 Rock" they've had entire shows devoted to deal breakers and what different women deem to be deal breakers. It's interesting how some women will put up with certain things and others think the same thing is an automatic deal breaker.

I've been told numerous times that I'm just too picky and that my list of deal breakers is just way too long. I've been calling it my list of "red flags" but for the sake of being trendy I'll refer to them as deal breakers.

I'm not sure when I started developing my list, perhaps after the first bad dating experience? I know I didn't start out with a list, or if I did it was a short one. It's grown by leaps and bounds over the years. Occasionally, I'll take a look at the list and think maybe that I'm being a bit ridiculous and I'll go out with a guy who has a quality on the deal breaker list. It never turns out well.

So what is on my list you ask? Here's a few things, and yes I do realize how shallow some other them are.

1. Engineer. If a guy is an engineer that is a deal breaker for me. I've never had a good experience with one, and quite frankly don't feel like trying it again.

2. Shorter than me. I occasionally like to wear heels and if the guy is short, or the same height as me I feel awkward.

3. Has a weird collection of some sort and has it displayed. I realize that a lot of people collect things, sometimes they're odd, and that's ok. What is not ok is building display cases for these collections (i.e. pez dispensers) and having them displayed all throughout your house.



4. Black jeans. Black jeans are not acceptable for any occasion.

5. Cosby sweaters. If the guy is going to wear them to be funny, maybe. If he's wearing it because he thinks it looks good, that is not ok. What is even less ok is if he pairs the cosby sweater with black jeans.

6. Girlfriend. I don't think this really needs an explanation.

7. Married. Again, self-explanatory.

8. Bad table manners. If eating a meal with a guy makes me a little sick to my stomach I don't think we have any potential for a lasting relationship.

9. Nascar. I hate Nascar, and if the guy watches it we're just not going to work out. I did test this theory by the way, I gave a guy a chance even though he was pretty into racing, it didn't work.

10. Children. I suppose children shouldn't be an automatic deal breaker, but it has the potential to be. Other factors would definetely play a part in this one.

11. Ponytails. I do not think that a guy should have longer hair than me.

12. Bad teeth. I'm not referring to someone who has teeth that are a little crooked, I'm talking about the missing, looks like they haven't brushed in a year kind of teeth.

13. Greasy hair. Eww. There's no excuse for a guy to not wash his hair.

14. Battlestar Galactica. I have issues with that show, and the people who are obsessed with it.

15. Cockiness. If a guy walks up to me thinking that he's God's gift to women we are going to have some issues.

Those are a few of my deal breakers, and I'm sure I could come up with more, but it just makes me sound shallow and mean. Perhaps, I am. Tyra said that some of the things women consider to be deal breakers they just need to get over. Women are single just because they're too picky. I have been told that's my problem.

I would rather be picky and single than dating a guy who wears black jeans and cosby sweaters.

if my life were a movie

One of my favorite "getting to know you" questions to ask someone is "what would be on you life soundtrack?" I've always kind of wished my life were a movie, and if it were I would want it to have an awesome soundtrack. Awesome, like "High Fidelity" soundtrack awesome (one of my favorite movie soundtracks).

When I was at OBU I pledged College Players (a social club, since we didn't actually have sororities or fraternities at OBU) and one of my pledge projects was to create a cd with a least 10 tracks that I felt told the story of my life. Then a few years after that I got together with a couple of my friends and we decided to do the same thing and then swap them. It's interesting to see what music people feel tells the story of their lives.

I decided that if my life were a movie "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco would play during the opening credits. That's been the one constant in my soundtrack over the years, the rest of it has varied. I've been trying to come up with my current tracklist and I think I would include these songs:

1. "Not a Pretty Girl" by Ani Difranco
2. "All My Ex's Live in Texas" by George Strait
3. "Flowers on the Wall" by The Statler Brothers
4. "River" by Joni Mitchell
5. "Don't Think Twice It's Alright" by Bob Dylan
6. "Providence" by Ani Difranco
7. "Girl at the Rockshow" by Blink 182
8. "Red Letter Day" by The Get Up Kids
9. "The Walk" by The Cure
10. "Flood" by Jars of Clay
11. "Foolish Games" by Jewel
12. "Vampire" by Juliet Turner
13. "All I Ask of You" Phantom of the Opera
14. "The Next Episode" by Dr Dre & Snoop Dogg
15. "Better Son/Better Daughter" by Rilo Kiley

Coming up with a soundtrack is more difficult that I thought it would be. Music plays such an important part of life. It always amazes me how hearing a song can take me back to a particular moment in time.

Music defines the best moments in life.

**Edit** I would have to add some Janis Joplin in there too, "Me and Bobby McGee" or "Piece of My Heart"

dirty punk kids

I always thought that it would be fun to date a guy in a band. It seemed like it would be exciting, but I wish someone would have warned me about the wannabe band guys.

I met this guy when I was living in Shawnee who thought he was a musician, and he desperately wanted to be in a band. The problem was he really just wasn't talented. He was really into the electronic type music and scream-o stuff. Not good. Of course, at the time I wasn't going to tell him that, he was cute and I liked him.

When I first started hanging out with him I thought the fact that he was living in a warehouse with a bunch of guys was kind of cool. He was hardcore, trying to make it on his own, living for his music, you know all of those things. Looking back though it was just kind of disgusting, he shared two small rooms with another guy and neither one of them had a bed. They had a mini-fridge and a microwave, and that was their kitchen. The rest of their space was taken up with music stuff. For some reason I didn't go running the other way when I saw this for the first time, I guess I just thought he was that cute.

It didn't take long for his cuteness to wear off though. Since he was a punk kid he didn't feel the need to bathe regularly, or brush his teeth. Now since we were in Oklahoma, and we were nearing the beginning of the summer this was kind of an issue. He also worked at a greasy hamburger stand. It got to the point where we would have fights over whether or not he had brushed his teeth, and I had to make deals with him so that he would brush his teeth. The brushing of the teeth was more of a problem than the showering, he would shower every couple of days (although daily would have been better) but wouldn't brush his teeth for a week or more.

Now the question everyone should be asking is "why did you continue to see a guy who didn't brush his teeth?" There is no good answer to that. Perhaps the only defense I have is that I was in Shawnee. If you've ever been to Shawnee you'll understand that the fact he had teeth made him better than most of the guys who live there.

Anyway, I should have known better than to get involved with a dirty punk kid, he ended up using me for rides and food, and occasionally a place to sleep. For a while I thought he was incredibly cool. He even had a radio show at the Christian radio station in OKC.

Then he just kind of dissapeared. I didn't see him or hear from him for a few weeks (and of course being a dirty punk kid he didn't have a phone), I didn't have any idea what was going on. Then I ran into one of his friends, and he told me that he had started seeing another girl. A girl who just happened to be 14. Awesome.

I got ditched for a 14 year old.

The best part about this whole story though is the fact that he showed up at our apartment about a month or so later with a note. It was a note telling me how sorry he was and he hoped that I didn't hate him and he hoped that my friends didn't hate him. Then he put his number on the bottom and asked me to call him.

I didn't call and my friends did hate him.

I put the note in my scrapbook.

learning to swim

A long time ago I decided I wanted to write a book. I wanted to write about growing up as a pastor's kid and how my childhood was good, but I experienced things most people would never see. Obviously, I never wrote the book, but all the stories are still there. I think at the time I first started thinking about writing I wasn't ready to tell my story. I still don't know if I'm ready to tell it. The problem is I don't have an ending. I'm still in the midst of my story.

A few years ago I came up with a name for my book. "Learning to Swim". It comes from an Ani Difranco song called "Swim".

I was floating above myself
Watching her do just what you wanted
Poor little friendly ghost
Wondering why her whole house feels haunted
I told myself I was strong enuf
That I had plenty of blood to give
And each elbow cradled a needle
But listless and faint ain't no way to live

So I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

I remember hearing the song shortly after the most devastating experience of my life I don't know if I had heard it before that time or not, but this time something clicked. I was the one who needed to learn how to swim.

I don't know how to explain why this particular experience was so devasting to me other than to say I felt like I had been attacked from all sides. People who were supposed to be my friends, people who said they really cared about me turned on me. For what felt like no reason at all. Quite literally we spent time together on Friday and by Sunday they wanted nothing to do with me. Talk about a blow to the ego. Eventually, I heard some of the reasoning behind this whole ordeal, it didn't help. I always think that if I just know why people do what they do it will be better but it's not. Knowing that they didn't feel there was anything of value about me stung. It's hard to recover when everything about you as a person has been attacked and it wasn't attacked by someone you didn't know. I was attacked by people who knew me well. People that I had a lot of respect for, that I looked up to and I didn't know how to react.

I didn't know what to do so I just cried a lot and didn't leave my house. In fact I was so insecure about who I was that I didn't really leave my house for almost a year. It literally took me almost a year to get to the point where I felt like I could be around people again. Now don't get me wrong I did have a few friends that were with me through this whole thing, but the idea of being around anyone new terrified me.

It was during this time that I realized I needed to learn how to swim. I had dealt with things like this before but never to this extent. To continue with the swimming analogy, everytime something like this had happened I was still in the shallow end of the pool with floaties on. This time I had been thrown off the diving board into the deep end of the pool. It was sink or swim. I chose swim.

As I said before I'm still in the midst of my story and I'm still learning to swim. Sometimes I can only manage to doggie paddle, but one of these days I'll master the backstroke.

On being 27...

Two of my close friends are celebrating their birthday's this weekend and both have them are having a hard time with the fact that they're growing older. One commented that if someone had asked her 10 years ago where she thought she would be at 27 she never would have thought this is where she would be. She said when she was younger she always thought that at 27 she would be married to a fantastic guy, have a house, a good job, and maybe a kid. Instead she's single, living alone, no kids, she does have a pretty good job though.

The funny thing is, I feel the same way. I always thought that by 27 I would be someone. I would be married, maybe with kids, and have everything figured out. Instead, I'm single, no kids, and I am far from having it figured out. I sometimes wonder how I ended up this way. I started out with so many dreams, a list of things that I was going to accomplish, and I just knew that I was going to make a difference in the world. Instead I find myself selling shoes for a living, trying to find a "real" job, not really knowing what I want to do with my life, and wasting my time on a lot of guys who end up being really boring, and sometimes truly awful. How did it happen? I suppose I could go through and pinpoint all the mistakes that I've made over the years, but how tedious and self-depricating.

I watched part of 'Titanic' yesterday and I was remembering how I felt the first time I saw it. I felt like that kind of love was possible, and not only was it possible, it was going to happen to me. I was going to fall in love with someone and it was going to be this magical, wonderful experience. I felt like I would one day be able to write my own love story that would rival that of Rose and Jack (obviously minus the whole dying in the middle of the ocean part). I was 14.

At 27 I watch 'Titanic' and while I do still love the boat, I hate the love story. I wonder if a love story is possible and I certainly no longer think that my life will have a love story like that. It's easy to be a hopeless romantic at 14, at 27 it just starts to feel hopeless.

It's hard to find someone that I can spend more than one evening with. I struggle to get past the first date. Actually, it's hard to find someone that is worth a first date. Then if I do find someone that I do enjoy spending time with something happens and it all goes to hell.

I did hear the other day that 27 is the average age at which a girl gets married these days. I have always wanted to be above average.

bad date archives.

I haven't had a very interesting week so I thought it would be a good idea to dig into the bad date archives and post about the worst date ever. Seriously. Worst. Date. Ever.

I was going to school in Oklahoma, and met this guy at a party. He seemed like an ok guy and I figured since he had been invited to the party that he couldn't be too bad. I figured if he was actually crazy my friends wouldn't have invited him. We chatted at the party and as we were leaving he asked for my number and said he wanted to take me out sometime.

He called a few days later to ask if he could take me out. Of course by this time I had discussed all the pros and cons of this guy and decided that I really wasn't interested. You know what they say about following your instincts? It's true. However, I have a friend who was convinced that I didn't give people enough of a chance and that I needed to get out more. She talked me into going on a date with this guy. For the life of me I can't remember his name, but he definetely left an impression on me.

He wanted to take me to the lake and I agreed. He came to pick me up in his truck. A big nasty green truck. I should have known to just stayed home when he said that he used to have a woman but he had to dump her because she didn't like his truck and no woman was going to come between him and his truck.

On our way out to the lake he decided to smoke a Swisher Sweet, he took a few puffs off his cigar, and then put it out to save it for later. I should have told him to turn around right then, anyone who is going to save a Swisher Sweet is not a quality catch, that and the fact that his truck that he was in love with had holes in the floorboard. It was rusted through.

We got out to the lake where he proceded to tell me all about himself. He told me about how he got fired from Mcdonalds for getting into a fight and got fired from a couple of other places in town, and wasn't sure how long he would be working at the place he currently worked at. He was telling me these stories while he was trying to be touchy-feely, and I don't think he could figure out why I wasn't totally into him. Really, I'm not sure what my problem was because every girl is looking for a guy who can't hold a job at Mcdonalds right?

On the way back into town he asked me if I wanted to get something to eat. I told him that would be ok as long as we went somewhere where it would be ok that I was in lake clothes. He said that he had to stop by his place first. I didn't have much of a choice.

He lit up his Swisher Sweet and took another couple puffs, then put it out to save it for later.

He lived with his dad and brother in a trailer just outside of town. Of course it was a trailer. We got to his place and it was awful. We walked in, he asked his brother where his dad was and the response was (not even joking) "he's on the pot, we had chinese food for dinner so it could be awhile". Did he not realize that I was standing there? Funny thing is my date didn't even bat an eye. He told me I could wait in his room. I wish I had just stayed in the car. He had a futon mattress, no sheets, and a table made out of plywood and milk crates. He also didn't have anything hanging in his closet. Just on the floor. We were only there for about 20 minutes but it was much too long for my tastes.

On our way back into town he lit up his Swisher Sweet, took a couple puffs then put it would to save it for later.

We were trying to decide where we should go eat and ended up at Mcdonalds. I will admit that it was not his fault we ended up at Mcdonalds. I was still in my clothes from the lake so it was actually my suggestion. We walked in and while we were standing in line waiting to order he looks at me and says:

"You have money right? If you don't we could get the two cheeseburger meal then you could have a cheeseburger and I could have a cheeseburger and we could split the fries."

He certainly knew how to win me over.

After we left Mcdonalds he wanted to watch a movie. I wasn't sure how to get rid of him nicely (at this point I still thought he was a friend of a friend and didn't want to make anyone mad) so I agreed to let him come over to the apartment to watch a movie. It was the longest movie of my life.

We didn't go out again after that. I actually never saw him again. I found out shortly after that that he wasn't a friend of a friend but instead just some random townie that showed up at the party that night. He was the guy that no one really liked but he always just seemed to be there. No one warned me.

My friends ran into him one night at a party a few months later and he asked them about me. I was actually in New Mexico that weekend so my friends just told him I had moved there. His response?

"Oh, well I hope it wasn't because of me."

bachelorette parties...

Saturday night I went to a bachelorette party, and I have to admit that I wasn't looking forward to going. Now don't get me wrong I love a good party, and this had all the makings of a great party. A party bus, jello shots, a cooler full of beer, dance music and about twenty girls ready to make sure their friend had a great "last night out", but I just wasn't excited.

Let's talk about bachelorette parties for a minute, I'm wondering are we celebrating that the girl is getting married or are we mourning the fact that she'll no longer be a single (as in unmarried) friend? Or do we just use an upcoming wedding as an excuse to throw a big party, get drunk, act stupid, and try to get guys to buy Blow Pops with condoms glued on them? Personally, I just think it's an excuse to have a party, besides it's what you're supposed to do.

Anyway, I was not looking forward to this party but I had agreed to go and knew that I would probably disappoint if I didn't show. I had planned on showing up and just making an appearance and had no intention of actually riding the party bus. It always starts with the best of intentions doesn't it?

I was late getting to the party so I missed the pick-up and just met the party at the first bar, the plan was to have a drink and then go home, making it a fairly early night. I ended up on the party bus and out til after 2am.

I realized a few things over the course of the evening:

1. The bouncers at Nutty's are slightly creepy...when exiting the conversation went something like this
Him: You guys have a good night...(looking at me) damn girl you have
some seductive eyes
Me: Ummm, thanks. It's just a lot of make-up
Him: No it's not the makeup...damn.
(as I'm walking away)
Him: Hey come back here...will you rub my ears?

2. Anytime I am around a stripper pole I end up with some kind of injury. At Heather's bachelorette party I sprained my ankle, and this time I ended up with a stiletto in my side and now I have a massive bruise to commemorate that evening.

3. I hate Bucks with a passion, and over the years the crowd that hangs out there has gotten worse and worse.

4. Sometimes I flirt with guys just for an ego boost and I don't see anything wrong with it.

5. I need to learn how to give out a fake number, or just say no. Otherwise I end up with texts until 3am and all the next day telling me how "grate" it was to meet me and wanting to know when I want to hang out again.

Despite my initial reservations I ended up having a great time. My only regret is the fact that I chose to wear a fantastic pair of hot pink heels that are not made for dancing. I suppose what they say is true "beauty is pain", and my shoes were beautiful.

rejection

I think I forget how fragile my ego can be sometimes. I like to think that I'm a fairly emotionally stable person and for the most part I am, except when it comes to my dating life.

I went out with a guy last night and it wasn't a bad date. We talked for a bit, the normal "what kind of movies do you like, what kind of music...etc." Not a bad conversation by any means, but it certainly wasn't the best conversation I've ever had. We had very little in common and he reminded me a lot of the guys I hated in high school. In fact his best friends were guys that I graduated with. So why was I upset when he told me how exhausted he was at 8:30?

I felt rejected. I don't like being rejected, especially after that initial meeting. They should be happy that they're getting to spend time with me, not looking for the closest exit.

I realize that not everyone I meet is going to be completely enamored by my charming personality, but it doesn't mean I have to like it.

And just for the record he didn't even offer to buy me a drink.

"oh really, yeah me too"

I had a date last night. For once I wish I could say I had a date last night and not follow it with some story as to how horrific it was. But alas, that is not the case. It was awful. I knew it wasn't going to be great as soon as I met him at the restaurant, he had a lazy eye and bad teeth. My first thought was "seriously? How am I going to get through this dinner?", yes it's shallow but there has to be some level of attraction. I realize that perhaps I'm not in the position to be extremely picky, but I draw the line at lazy eyes. A girl has to have some kind of standards.

I really was determined to make the best of it, I had emailed back and forth with this guy for awhile so he couldn't be all bad. Right?

We started chatting and it was a conversation that could be compared to pulling teeth. However, I do believe that next time I'll opt for the teeth. Everything that I said he immediately wanted to agree with. He was trying to so hard to let me know how compatible we were and how great we were going to get along. I suppose I should give him credit for trying, I definitely have met guys who just don't care. It just reeked of desperation.

Aside from the desperation that was seeping out of his pores he had to be one of the worst storytellers that I've ever met. Each story started out with "you're gonna love this" and took at least twenty minutes to tell because of the long pauses as he was trying to remember what happened. I sat there wondering if maybe he had some kind of neurological disorder that caused the synapses in his brain to not connect quite right. Needless to say I did not love any of his stories.

He just kept talking, and talking, and talking. I told him a couple of times that I really needed to get going implying that he should pay the bill so we could go...nope didn't take that hint. He was too busy telling me how blunt and sarcastic he was. Really? Maybe it was all sarcasm when he was telling me that we had everything in common.

At one point he was talking about an ex-girlfriend and I can't tell you what the story was about because I got so distracted thinking about what kind of girl would actually date this guy. I was wondering how she got past the bad teeth and lazy eye, was she just much less shallow than me? Was she one that really believes that looks don't matter, and that it's what's on the inside that counts? Did she really think that he actually had a personality? Or was she just that desperate?

I finally escaped, and before I left the parking lot I had a text message from him telling me that he doesn't normally get caught up in conversation so much but it was just really nice to have someone worthwhile to talk to. That was nice of him, but I have to admit that I did not find myself caught up in the conversation.

Of course he wants to see me again. That is how my life works.

Did I mention he has a cat named "Buttons". Really? Buttons?

"you're kind of a bitch...can I take you to Minervas?'

2010 has started off with a bang. Seriously, I don't know what has happened. I feel like I've gone a little nuts, but everyone I meet has far exceeded my nuttiness. I also feel like there is something in the water that has made me more attractive to the opposite sex.

I got into a "fight" with a guy the other night because he was trying to impress me with his cattle knowledge. I suppose he didn't count on my being from Oklahoma with a grandfather who actually breeds cattle. He quit talking to me soon after that. I think it was a combination of the cattle and the fact that he couldn't remember if he told me that his brother was a up and coming basketball player or if he was playing baseball now. Why I care what his brother does I'm not really sure.

Ordering a drink the other night Ashley and I were asked to play a game of pool buy what seemed to be a fairly normal older guy. We agreed and it wasn't a bad experience just a little weird.

Him: So do you have any kids?
Me: No, I think kids are creepy.
Him: (now offended) Well I have two beautiful kids (come to find out later, it's not 2 kids it's 4 kids and it sounded like they all had different mothers...classy)
Me: Well it's nice that you have them.
Him: I thought you were hot but now I'm going to have to rethink that.

Then after I didn't give him a hug or applaud when he made the shot he attempted he looks and me and tells me that I'm not friendly. In fact he thinks I'm kind of a bitch. Ten minutes later he's asking me if he can take me to dinner. I'm a bitch but he wants to take me to Minervas.

Shortly after this he decided he was finished with me and was doing his best to get Ashley to sleep with him. (She didn't)

The Beacon...

I attract weird and damaged people as made evident by last night's happenings. All I wanted to do was have a couple of drinks and some conversation. What I ended up doing is trying to ward of the advances of a creepy guy with a pregnant fiance.

Army and Texan were the guys that decided to grace us with their presence last night and made crazy a perfectly good evening. Army came over to the table and asked to join us and because I didn't want to be mean I agreed. Texan followed shortly thereafter and made sure to let us know that he had a woman. I should have seen two red flags immediately, 1. he was from Texas, 2. he referred to his girlfriend as his "woman". I suppose I just wasnt too quick on the uptake last night.

Then the third red flag went up...Lawyer walked in and he just so happened to be Texan's lawyer. Part of me wanted to break into "It's a Small World". He didn't get into what kind of trouble he had gotten into but it sounded like it was some kind of fight in a casino. Big huge red flag, and I just ignored it.

As the night progressed Texan's relationship with his girlfriend went from great and happy to a loveless relationship where he is being cheated on. He pulled me aside because he just needed someone to talk to, why me? He told me how alone he was and how horrible his relationship was, and how attracted he was to me. He told me I was so sexy, and different from other girls...blah, blah, blah. Why is it the guys you want to say those things never do?

Towards the end of the night we were getting ready to leave, Texan begged us to hang out with him. I told him we were going to Wal-Mart and pretty sure Army and Texan followed us there. Creepy.

It was creepy in that "I'm going to kill you kind of way". He kept following us and begging us to come to their place, I'm ashamed to say that we did, but I was kind of afraid not to. There I had to ward off advances from Texan, and deal with the zoo that Army lives in. Not exciting. Texan told me I smelled like an angel, and Army called us whores, and asked if we had a sewing machine because he was ripped. What is the world coming to?

If this is any indication as to how my year is going to be I'm staying inside until 2011.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

As I watched this movie the other day I started thinking about all the people that I desperately want to erase from my life. Then to be fair I tried to shorten my list...saved those spots for the ones that were truly awful and really messed me up. Kind of like Rob's top 5 all time worst break-ups from High Fidelity...because after everything is said and done it's the ex-boyfriends, or almost boyfriends that seem to cause the most damage to a girl. I was actually able to narrow my list down to two. Yup, 27 years old and there are really only two that have really messed me up.

There are two people that I want to erase from my life, and actually I could narrow that list down to one. I wonder if it's really true that everything happens for a reason and everyone comes through your life for a reason, sometimes I really doubt it. I can think of no value that this person added to my life. All I can think of are the wounds that he left.

He damaged me more than any other person or event in my life and left wounds that I don't know how to deal with. Now granted they aren't the large gaping wounds that they once were, but they still ache. It's like the bad knee that aches when the weather is changing. It's no longer a sharp pain, but it's the dull ache that never goes away completely.

How amazing would it be to erase that whole experience? I wonder what kind of person I would be without it? I think I would be happier, less bitter, more trusting, I would be able to depend on people. As it is, I'm bitter, cynical, and I don't trust most of the people around me. He was someone who was supposed to care about me. It makes a person wonder if anyone is really who they say they are.

I started this blog in 2004 right after I had met this person and continued writing until shortly after everything ended. I don't think I realized at that point the affect those events would have on my life in years to come.

So I do believe with that being said that I would allow him and everything related to him be erased from my life. I wish my life were a movie. Besides, Kate Winslet is better looking than me.